Sunday, 18 October 2009

Something i wrote on the 15/12/2002

Going to Arraial d’Ajuda

Oh hello

Praticing me typing...... keep reading or else i'll have to stop cos if you dont read it i couldnt have typed it.... hmmm not sure about that, think i'll just
stick to trees falling in forests...yeah!

The type of forests where birds fly (Not into trees) and bees laugh and the comonwealth bank take out their chainsaws and say this redwood is worth a few quid,
yuppies love putting their lattes on redwood tbles (It's true, look it up.) and anyway they knock these trees down, pretty roughly if you ask me.....and who's
asking me anything? No one.....but i'm telling you all the same.

(Video is from the street party Sunday night in Arraial d’Ajuda)

What exactly do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

Not sure, it's been a while since a computer went down on me, maybe i'm doing something wrong, two duh-velopers i used to work with used to go down on each other on their lunchtimes, very naughty, we wernt allowed to watch or anything.......a pretty sad ending i know.

The only thing i remember about computer's going down on me is it used to happen a lot, and didnt make me very happy....but in a way it did coz it's a great excuse not having any work done and your boss looks at the clock which reads 2pm and he thinks 'It has to be finished by now?', 'Not at all, shur the bleddy thing has been going down on me all day', 'Ok so' he says and doesent ask you ever again. I hope it's all clear for you.... Like a fog Jo a fog!

Plagiarism? Why yes, it's the only way i can write something great and make it my own, i duh-veloped 'Leading edge' technology i like to call 'Copy and Paste' usually not together, usually it's just 'Paste' or 'copy' or even 'Copy rodger niner'
Anyway here it is.

Read about this in the paper

Tip #1: DUBLIN MOTORISTS! Solve those parking problems by driving a forklift.

Tip #2: PEOPLE IN HORROR MOVIES! IF you hear a strange inhuman growl outside the door, do not open the door, peer out, and say "Harold is that you?" because it's probably not Harold. Because it killed Harold already, and Harry is now reduced to a pool of smelly gunk on the floor.

Tip #3: PEOPLE IN HORROR MOVIES again! Do not - we repeat - do not make your primary mode of transportation a heavy rear wheel drive car such as a Cadillac or Oldsmobile or a Lincoln, because you will inevitably get the vehicle lodged in mud of some kind, even if the movie takes place in the middle of the desert.

Tip #4: YOU KNOW that scary relationship is about to end when your SO calls you at work and says there's a lightbulb needs changing in the bathroom, and you ask how do you do that, and he/she says: "Dead simple. You start by filling the bath with water..."

Tip #5: IF YOU are a female in a horror movie, never get your tits out for the lads. Easy women die fast.

Tip #6: ONE WAY to really scare your flatmate is to phone them up pretending to be from another galaxy. Claim that they have been specially selected to further the human race by being put in a pod-shaped craft and sent out into space with a well-known Australian singer and former teen soap actress. (NB This one won't work with everybody)

#1: Overheard by The Alfonso:
This is a very old one; I actually heard it when I was
about six waitin' for me Ma in the hairdressers.
A mother: "Jason, do ya want a "Starbar"?"
Son: "Yeah Ma"
A mother: "Well you can f*** off!"

#2: By pookakie:
Mr scum to scum burd after her refusing his advances:
"Yer only a f****** baloo-win anyway" (she was a touch on the tubby side).

#3: By mags:
A 10- or 11-year-old boy pointed at a bidet and asked
his mom what it was for. She looked embarrassed, thought for a moment
then said: "It's a sink for really short people." Truth. Saw and heard it myself.

#4: By Rory Sheridan:
True story, apparently. Two obviously posh old dears
are strolling around Stephen's Green in Dublin when they run across
a grizzled, ragged old tramp lying drunk in the gutter, covered in
rubbish and empty bottles and newspapers, and a drainpipe's water running all over him.
"Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies haughtily. "Cleanliness
is next to godliness - William Shakespeare!" The drunk opens one
yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her balefully, and replies, "F*** off -
Roddy Doyle..."

#5: By SeánÓg:
The father of a friend of mine tells a great story
about when he was in Dolphin's Barn about 30 years ago, waiting on a bus.
There was a mother and young boy beside him at the bus stop and the bus
was running very late and the kid was getting fidgety.
Eventually the bus came around the corner and the kid starts jumping up and down,
pointing at the bus and shouting "Ma, Ma, there's the f***in' bus. There's the
f***in' bus Ma." With this, the mother hits the young fella an almighty
clatter round the ear and says to him "Didn't I learn you not to f***in' point"!!

Nothing more to type after all that copy and really does take a lot out of me (Wipes
the sweat from his brow)


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