Tuesday, 30 June 2009

My new claim to fame is i sat on a seat Cameron Diaz sat on in Cusco!!!

Videos are from the Choquequirao treck

So, after the dinner in Aguas Calientes, the table next to us started singing ´Happy Birthday´ and they had a rice cake, it was all soooo nice, except for the fact that the Argentenian Pablo, that like´s banging on tents in -10 temp (i know this because he denied it)

Well, Pablo hates Lonely Planet, and it didn´t help that our neighbours were Lonely Planet writers and a bigger bunch of dorks my eyes have never viewed in one spot, it was like a convention for dorks (and i´m using American words, yes i speak American), and them being Americanos made it all worse.

Would you believe there is still a lot of bad Karma in the world from George Bush and none of us had out familes obliterated by any carpet bombing as per some people in the middle east? Hard to believe, i know!

Anyways we started singing ´Happy Birthday´too, first the guy from Iceland gave a sppech, then Pablo (Slating Lonely Planet the whole time) then me, my speeches were quite popular (i gave 3), i was beginning to think i had a talent for it, but being drunk you might think you have a talent for anything, love making to driving included (but not on this occasion)

I remember at one point (i gave my speeches to both tables, i like to share) saying ´And americans are humans too´ of course i was lying...

One chick (from the other table) said ´I dont understand what your saying´, i remember saying ´What are you doing next friday night?´ It is handy being bisexual, isn´t it?

I got laughs, Lisa from Seattle said ´I dont know what you were saying to the other table, but i know it wasn´t good.

I got laughs ok?

Noboday told us next day that we ruined their birthday party, we cleared the whole table, no one joined us for a laugh. Whats the world coming to?

Our guide disapeared, he said he didn´t want to start fighting. He said he might kill them all, if you have Ninja skills, you have to be careful.

When we go to Machu Pichu, the table next to us was most of the table that we heckled ´Of all the bars in all the world´ came to mind.

Marcello from Sau Palo sid it was a great night and he should know, he remembered everything.

He said all you need to have fun is an Irish guy in the group, maybe i will come full circle one day and meditating in a cave for months on end will be the new ´Fun´ thing to do, but dont hold your breath kids :) !!!

Saturday, 27 June 2009

A vision from France before trecking, not bad at all

So i went on the Choquequirao treck. Julie from France told me to knock on her door before leaving, i left at 5.15 am, i didn´t knock, but she came out looking for me in a very ravishing red little nightie (what would you expect from a hot french 24 year old?), i´m not sure if i could have had a similar effect on another human being and we went our seperate ways.

I will never forget it :)

Julie told me i might ´Find a hot chick on the trip´ and all that stuff, making delcate love, i did spend enough time in French bars to pick up a word or 2 and French is the language of love, or so i´m told, but instead i´m trecking with an overweight English guy called Craig (who doesnt mind people snoring, (i will wait before same sex marriage is legalised before dong anythng there)

Life is very good, it always was, we climbed the mountain to see the Choquequirao ruins made by the Incas that abandoned the Ollantaytambo runs in the sacred valley when the Spanish came in 1532 (felt like a stalker 487 years too late.

Better late than never and no one said that last night and i´m not expecting it tonight either!!

Expect nothing and you will get everything.

Julie told me she wasn´t romantic, i told her i was, she told me i wasn´t, i told her i say ´Thank you´ after sex, she laughed. I gave her other reasons (some good) She was still laughing, she said should have stopped after the first one. I stopped.

Better late than never.

This is not the end, this is the end.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

I walk the floor and watch the door and in between i dream

Videos are from the Salkantay treck

90% of the game is half mental

Some little random stories from the Salkantay trek

Marcello from Brazil, when he talks english, he sometimes sounds like Borat, when i would say something he didn't understand, he would say 'Whaaaaat...'

Fiona was telling me how her dad used to work in a bakery and one time he gave some one merengue and the customer said 'I cant eat that, the cream has gone all hard'

Fiona was telling me how she was in a village and it was announced that the Lima Mc Carthy cup (the cup every aspiring hurler in Ireland dreams of holding after the hurling final in September) would be arriving.

She was expecting a big parade, instead it was 5 lads walking down the street holding the cup, she laughed.

From Jose from Lima

Jose told me this one night in the Mono Blanco, oh how i laughed, it's one to think about, fuck the tree falling in the forest!!
Sometimes when you cook a chicken with another chicken, the chicken tastes differn't

Try and be good, if you cant be good, give me a call

A Canadian told me 'RAP' stands for Rythem and poetery, i'd like to believe so too.

Met an English couple in Paddys yesterday, and the couple bit is interesting, they never thought it would last and had no expectations of each other and now they are perfectly happy together.

Anyways they told me about their 'random' tour guide, he would blurt out 'Do you ever think about waking up with Brian Adams?'

The Indiginous flag in Peru is like the gay pride flag and the tour guide said 'People think we're on the other team, because of our flag! We're not!'

He was drawing a map of Machu Pichu and ended up drawing a happy face in the sand, classic!!!

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Choquequirao Treck

Mule versus Kieran

The videos are from the artists i was listening to on English Fionas iPod, coming back to Cusco in the front seat of the bus, awesome end to a great tour

I dont care what anyone says about Donkeys (i know one of them carried the baby Jesus, lets call him Fred....the donkey)

I am faster than a donkey carrying lazy bastards (some of their parents weren't married, the rest of them are lazy, but i stil call them lazy bastards!)

I was told by Pablo from Argentina that it wasn't a race, but on hte El Choro treck (71kms in 2.5 daze) it was a breeze and i was a butterfly in the summers breeze.

On the trail my legs would take off, i was wondering if i could put this down to all the massages i've had? Every day and every day is a holiday (in a holiday). This is why i decided to get out and do the Machu Pichu thing, i feel great again, like in Corico (Bolivia) when i was swimming every day (minus the belly), oh how food poisoning is the best.

Anyways i walked every inch, some French guy told me i needed lots of rest as the treck was hard, about 4 hours and Kieran was off, could trecking be hte next BIG thing for me?

I saved the best to last

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Do you have a sleeping problem?

Fiona on the left and Alica

It's funny, now. That i was snoring on the trip, it was handy too that i got my own tent (home sweet home) and i was a long way from Yelapa in Mexico (i once spent a month in a tent with Diana on the beach).

On the first night someone was actually was banging on the tent, i didn't realise this until the guy from Dublin (Chris) told me and i was oh yeah, now that makes sense and it was funny too. Who ever was doing the banging (Chris was doing a bit of banging himself, no one heard him, maybe i was just a decoy?), never owned up.

Our second in command Guia, Naruth

I think it was Pablo from Argentina, he denied it emphatically, and thats exactly what i would have said....if i was banging on someones tent in -10 degrees, while i was at 180 degrees (a quick bit of math) 180 + -10 = 170 (let's call it 170 something to make it a bit clearer)

Let the truth be your ticket ou fuckin uptight insomniac (of course i could be wrong and maybe you devide the 170 by a hoop snake and drop kick the remainder to win a game in the last minute of extra time?) if that means anything to you, i hope it does, cos it means feck all to me!

But the treck for $200 was one of the best value trecks a human (or American could ever do) and they did too. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

I told Pablo that scientists think Neanderthals used to snore to scare wild animals away while they were sleeping, he nearly lost the plot, poor guy, i actually felt sorry for him. I was able to piss him off more while i was sleeping than when i was awake.

I had to laugh !!

Saturday, 20 June 2009

I like my drinks on ice and my women on fire!!

Oh yeah i went to the sacred valley, the sites were Ollantaytambo, Pisaq

So it's been 3 weeks since i've written anything, Fiona (Born in England, raised part in the UK or Great Britan, you choose) and it's beginning to look like a mathamatical equasion again, was telling me that she checked out my blog (even though she said she wouldn't and she said i write like i talk, I'm thinking i've discoered the ability to tell the truth? And no i'm not telling you how i do it! It's a secret!!

So i was warned before i came to cusco that this was not the best place to chill out, but chilling out i am (at 3am on a Sunday morning, thinking' Have i lost the writing business', but i think i'm just like Jay Z there (lyrical Sinarta? No)

One of the reasons i have stayed here so long is because of the Champions league final FA cup final and the NBA finals are still on and i'm having a good time!

Made it into Julias little red book

So goo in fact, i had to go on the Salkantay treck (as reccomended my Pierre from France and Teacher Louise from England (not the UK)

The last day of the treck we went to Machu Pichu, fucking great to be there and see it all. It was one of the highlights. But as per all Quentin Tarantino movies (and there was a Dutch guy on the treck that looked just like him (according to me) the last is first and the first (part) is last, go figure, it's what Quentin learnt somewhere (probably in a book, you just cant trust people that learn things in a book, i watch all my books on TV)

I guess, so dont do there.......somewhere

Friday, 19 June 2009

I was a French man all along and i didn't even know it!!

In Lue of all Americanos telling me they are Irish, i would like to announce that i am French.
You see, it appears that my Grand mother (one of, it appears i had 2 of them, there's so much choice these daze, i was spoilt as a child, really, i was!)

Well anyway, my grandmother's father had a liking for frog's legs and being snooty (i can only imagine, i never met the guy) and was French, from France.

So, i remember telling people in New York i was jewish, and pulling down my pants would easily resolve any dispute there, that is no more, i'm getting serious now.

So for as long as i have been drinking wine, i have also enjoyed cheese and bread (i usually cut the mouldy bits off, beggers cant be choosers!), olives too!!

So this culinary (not canary, but i do like those little fellows too) apreciation has been growing for quite some time, now i think it's time i don a berret, get snooty(er) and start making love with my face.

France, blame Americans and their 'Freedom fries', for this inspiring rant.

French people, if you feel like spitting and kicking me, for that is what i deserve, you are already forgiven.

Allez les Blues!!!!

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Going to Cusco, Part 1, in the taxi.

Take 1

There's a funny smell in the air, i'm not laughing, the taxi drive tells me that it's frem the crematorium, i'm still not laughing

Julie from France told me about this Metallica secret gig

Take 2

It turns out the bus company (Crus del sur) are like KLM airlines . What a fuckin bunch of what i would have once called school teachers, since i volunteered , that status of 'School teacher' has been elevated to 'I now understand better', i wish i could say the same for doing my tax.

All your bags are searched and there was a Q of 4 people at the side that were judged to have alcohol.

So we had to wait for the bus driver to come up to us and say 'So your drunk'. They recorded us getting on and again when we were on the bus.

Nowhere in the world would they say that, so much for south america, that wouldn't happen in Sweden, or any other Airport i can think of.

Epilogue (Thank fuck your thinking?)

Brazil, i need the wild wild west and Brazil is East!!

Cruz del Sur, never again, maybe if i'm 65 and a half, and i had to ditch 3 beers that a guy thought i forgot, while my bag was being searched after i was judged sober enough to board.

I had to tell the good Samartian, they wern't mine, when all i needed was a beer!!

Cruz del Sur, You Fucker$

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people

Salkantay treck

I was telling Megan the other day that one of the main differences between men and women is that women need to feel loved, men dont. She doesn't agree (and she's perfectly entitled to do so) if she agreed with me, that would mean she hasn't a clue what i'm on about.

Most of the time i dont know what i'm on about. What do you think reader? Am i making any sense, yet?

Megan did say she is really going to miss me. Who am i? It's nice to know i will be missed. Mireal said she was going to miss me as well. It's kinda nice, yea know?

Maybe i was wrong there?

Jose told me last night he used to do so much coke that he doesn't touch the stuff anymore. He didn't like who he was becoming, life is a process of becoming, so i might take a leaf out of his book and start saying no, no thank you even, maybe people might stop calling me the crazy Irish guy, but dont hold you breath (or bread)

Here goes..........nothing

Salkantay Treck

Monday, 15 June 2009

Living on the edge, don´t fall off (Part 2)

Kieran, get off the edge and into open spaces.

I haven´t been counting anything interesting (and i have used all my fingers and some of my toes), so i´ll give you a number, a big old fat 0, i think there is about a million reasons to not live on the edge, so i think i will give it a go (while i sip this beer)

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Living on the edge, don´t fall off (Part 1)

If your not living on the edge your taking up too much space

Megan (teacher) told me this quote, and it´s interesting, how shall i count the ways, numbers? Fingers? Toes? all of the above?

Lets get started and i´ll give you a number later, hopefully it wont be the number of any beast and it wont be my telephone number either, there is a beast in me, i know this as he tends to come out after too much alchol, i can be a maniac.

I tend to be in places long enough to accuire the title of the crazy Irish guy.
Maybe i should stop playing this character and switch to a differnt role (i´m writing this sipping a Mojito, will i ever learn?)

Maybe i could be like Brad Pitt and have interesting roles all the time, but knowing my luck i´d end up working in a Deli, making ham sandwitches for construction workers.

What have i learnt from travelling? Absolutly fuck all, if you ask me. I need the freedom to say no, i need to be liberated from saying ´Yes´ and ´More´, 2 words that would sum me up right now.

I am off on the Colca Canyon trip on monday, then i can start the whole game off in a new city, where no one knows me.....yet.

But as far as living on the edge goes, i do it too much, maybe it´s time i accuired more space, other than the edge, i wonder how the guy from U2 manages it, after all it is his name? Too much fun is no fun.

Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun, where will it all end, and then i go and order another Mojito, see what i mean?

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Hoop snakes and Drop bear farming is going to be bigger than Texas

When Kieran gets back to Melbourne, he is going to start farming hoop snakes and Drop bears to meet the growing asian demand for this precious commodity,

Anyone interested in a 50/50 partnership, should let me know.

The successful applicant shold be able to:
- Tie their own shoe laces
- Know how to turn spell check on
- Have a well rounded print of their ass (as seen on a photocopy)
- Be light enough to not break the photocopy machine
- Have a love for hoop snakes and a distrust for drop bears
- A demonstrative ability for mouth to mouth resussitation (this will be tested in the interview)
- Know how to serve eggs benadict and coffee in the place of business (my bedroom)
- Know how to access Access and do spread sheets
- Take calls from all future girl friends or boyfriends (i'm trying to be optimistic)

Thursday, 11 June 2009

When the student is ready, the teacher appears

From http://www.fmylife.com/
Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to "cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair". FML

Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML

So tomorrow i disappear from my life as a sometimes (from 3.30-5.50 pm) volunteer teacher in Areuquipa, will the students also disappear? Teacher Louise left today, so it´s all up to me (can you hear this Kieran!), one more day to go.

Colca canyon tour market

I hope i will rise to the challenge, instead of going out for another BIG one and missing school, since i dont have to worry about ay letters going home to the mammy (home is where the head rests), this comes as a relif to me.

I met the crazy Peruvian chick Louise was going on about in the Point hostel, i was expecting that they would have the respect and decency to throw us out, but since the crazy chick runs the place, it was no problem for us to party on and play pool and her punching some drunk english guy every 15 minutes, it would have been funny if i had not actually witnessed it myself:)

I left the point hostel around a sunny 10 am or so, but before i left she told me i was gay, i offered to prove her wrong, then she told me i was bisexual (so many words to describe me, i was half flattered) due to my scarf (it has become my standard uniform) i think it looks quite becoming on me (someone has to do it) my taste in fashion and life in general has improved, it doesn´t bother me either way (is that a clue?)

I told the crazy chick i was disappointed i wasn´t gay, i think she was looking for a differnt reaction?

Now i´m wondering how i´d look strutting my stuff in the Sydney mardi gras, girls might scream ´I could convert him´ and i´d be like ´I´m not converting back, fuck off bitches!!!´ And i´d throw my scarf over my right shoulder and laugh (high pitched) and strutt my stuff (with my bronz ab´s glistening in the sun)

Oh how fabelous it would be to be the toast of the town!!!!
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