Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Oh please, if it's such a scandal, then why am I laughing?

Here comes the big.........
So, imagine my surprise, last night, I’m flicking through the TV channels, as is as usual procedure, while navigating a fork of 2 minute noodles, maybe doing a bit of 'Open wide, here comes the big aeroplane'? And food goes in, food being anything I can find in the cupboard, which has been lovingly prepared, for less than 10 minutes, each minute consisting of 60 seconds, normal, isn't it and as you would expect? Right, just any other normal night?

Iron chef

But enough of my Iron Chef and aeronautic prowess on that and any other Monday evening, let us today discuss something that I’ve been told is rocking the world and is making me laugh, at the same time, interested? Read on....

Now, it would appear Pakistan have made the news, not because of the natural disaster, where 20 million have been affected, who cares, Right? No, you’re wrong; it's all because of Cricket.

A couple of Cricketers will know this feeling soon
Now, like any criminal in jail will tell you, the thing that screws you up, after you do a job (because it's a job, if you happen to be a criminal) is in fact, blabbing about it! And in any language you choose, that a tabloid newspaper would understand and maybe a few colour pictures or colourful language maybe wouldn't hurt either? Words you might not want to mention are 'Fix, match, ball and no', confused? Why read on reader and I will try and unravel this confusing cricket Christmas light’s saga.

Now, some Pakistani guy, blabbed (this is all it takes) to the wrong people, namely of course, (wrong for him, right for the rest of the world) the News of the World, a paper held in huge regard by folks in the last remaining strong hold of the English empire, and that's not saying much either, but now a lot of Pakistani people reside there, but here's what I know. To cut a long story short, people are not happy, but read on.

Do i need to say more about that paper?

My first experience with the News of the World paper wasn't quite so much what I read, but more a touch of what I could see and being a Catholic, seeing a page and being touched, say page 3 (look it up for yourself) and it touching you, could be a problem, it not touching you, could be a bit of an issue also, now that I’m a lapsed Catholic (and proud, I have more touches to my credit than the AFL footballer Gary Abblet in his footy statistics)

(Would it be too much to say here that around the same time in my life, I would write letters to the tooth fairy and Santa Clause, a practice I would continue doing, if only anything resulted from it?)

It appears that Australian Cricket team played the Pakistani’s in January, and there were all these, 'No balls', in the game, I’m thinking, how do people who have suffered testicular cancer feel about this? I for one couldn't care less. Australia won that game, or did they?

Much worse 'No balls' have been part of Aussie culture for years, if you’re a Kangaroo that is. Apparently, it was quite common for Australians to take the ball sack off of Kangaroos and make them into money pouches. Ouch…ouch….ouch….ouch!

Kangaroo (minus it's balls) coin pouch

To be fair, a lot more was at stake, money and now (the lack of) pride when the Pakistani guy's threw the no balls, about 1 million pounds later in some match fixer's pocket and his excessive blabbing, everything is up, the jig and all and instead of Kangaroos, they are now targeting Pakistani cricketers, are these Pakistani cricketers the new Kangaroos?

Vulchers not hovering

It would appear so, and the vulcher’s are hovering and getting very near (speaking of vulchers, I know a guy from Sydney we call ‘The Hawk’ that moves in pretty fast, especially if you get talking to a girl in a bar and completely dominates further conversation, but that’s another story, is there a connection?)

Should we not just feel sympathy for cricketers but also the people that watch cricket too? Maybe they need to be shown some love, instead of all this hate? Anyways, how can a 'No ball' make you richer than if you picked 6 balls in the lottery? The mind boggles.

Interestingly, the Essendon coach got sacked and was given a 1.2 million dollar, take your stuff and get the hell out of here, not bad? Maybe there is something to screwing up after all?

Back to Cricket, interestingly, Ireland (currently a financial sleeping tiger) beat Pakistan in the last cricket world cup, Ireland got as far as the World cup quarter final, not many people in Ireland were interested, or even cared. I think we gave it the same regard as if we were driving home from work and a pigeon hit the window shield, was the victorious Irish cricket game thrown too, or did Samson really beat Goliath fair and square with a rock planted squarely between its eyes?

In fact, to add to the Pakistani loss, their team coach got killed because of this illustrious win and I think that was the thing that got most peoples attention, in Ireland anyways, 'Why would someone get killed for a game that no one cares about', truth is stranger than fiction, after all fiction has to make sense and that made no sense? It's just not cricket mate!

Thrown games, murder, who has the balls do something? Where is the justice now? Is that too blind, will the balls in our heads go missing too? The whole world was watching that Cricket World cup too (not me). I don’t think the Irish people could give a fiddlers fart anyways, they'd probably switch the channel? It's just an English game to them, but so too is soccer and to be fair, it's hard to go on about a no ball in soccer, especially when every one can see the ball?

Point of information for Trivia fans, that i already knew, England have NEVER won a world cup in cricket
Life for the real people in Pakistan
But, maybe the match fixers wanted the money to help alleviate the plight of their people currently devastated by natural disaster? Maybe indeed, but it is a corrupt world and Pakistan is one of the most corrupt, this would at least make sense?


For what little I profess to know about Cricket, you can lay the blame squarely at the door of the infamous Shane Warne, for sparking this interest, Shane, who once proudly professed to 'Getting wickets against England was better than sex', that was funny too, until the News of the World (remember them?) newspaper set him up with 2 hookers, an all night session, (complete with an giant inflatable penis), the night before a big game and what did our Shane do next day?

Well, he went out and got an incredible score. Anybody else wouldn't have been able to walk and would have been sacked, in light of his run in with the News of the world! The girls said he was a great lover and then something news worthy happened in Iraq, the world wasn't interested any more and Shane news and it went from scandal to Shane an absolute living legend!
Dan Brown at home

And that's all I know about Cricket, maybe someone should give Dan Brown a call, maybe he could do a better job of this story than me?

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